Key Principles of Gottman Couples Therapy?

Have you and your partner struggled to connect with each other? Lately, are your arguments becoming stagnant or, worse, nasty? Since there are so many therapeutic approaches out there, you may need help to figure out which one is right for your relationship. Each couple’s concerns differ; some may want to address communication issues, while others want to deepen their intimate connection. The Gottman Method is one research-backed approach for treating couples facing relationship problems.

What is the Gottman Method?

In his seminal book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman outlines seven techniques for improving marriage communication and how to avoid his “Four Horsemen” of poor conflict management. He and his wife Julie based their method on many years of research studying how couples behave with one another. After these long-term studies of partners, they developed a seven-principled theory of how relationship communication should be built, which conflicts can be managed, and which communication styles tank a marriage. These seven principles form the foundation for the “Sound Relationship House” theory. In this metaphor, the house comprises seven “floors” that couples work on in therapy sessions.

1. Build love maps- Here is where you learn each other’s inner worlds and your dreams, desires, and motivations.

2. Express fondness and admiration- On this floor, you learn how to appropriately show admiration and appreciation for one another.

3. Turn towards instead of away- Here, you learn what a communication “bid” from your partner looks like and how to respond positively. Healthy couples engage one another to show they value each other’s time.

4. The positive perspective- You’ll start to see your conflicts and errors as due to circumstances rather than personality flaws. Here you’ll learn to approach conflict from a problem-solving mindset.

5. Manage conflict- On this floor, you’ll discover which problems are solvable and which are perpetual. Part of the Gottman Method is learning how to “manage” certain conflicts rather than trying to solve unsolvable ones.

6. Make life dreams come true- Here, you’ll figure out how best to encourage and support your partner through their dreams and aspirations.

7. Create shared meaning- The last floor incorporates the first floor. While you start out talking about your own inner worlds, you’ll end up discussing the shared inner world of your relationship.

The Sound Relationship House is held up by the two walls of Trust and Commitment. Trusting your partner means believing they’re doing things in your best interest, especially when it comes to conflict. Commitment means dedicating yourself to the relationship, knowing you’re there to work on your issues.

The “Four Horsemen”

In addition to these seven principles, the Gottmans have also laid out four behaviors some people turn to during arguments. Dr. Gottman has accurately predicted whether a marriage will last based on whether either partner engages in these behaviors during conflict management. These “Four Horsemen” are:

• Stonewalling

• Defensiveness

• Contempt

• Criticism

The Four Horsemen are symptomatic of a lack of connection, a disinterest in true problem-solving, and a disregard for their partner’s bids for attention. The Gottmans’ research demonstrated that successful couples are significantly more skilled at managing conflicts compared to dysfunctional couples. In healthy relationships, there should be at least five positive interactions for every negative one.

Is the Gottman Method Right for You?

Couples go to therapy for many reasons. You and your partner may be going through a rough spot where it seems difficult to connect. Or you might have experienced a relationship trauma, like infidelity or the death of a loved one. Whatever your situation may be, the Gottman Method can help.

To learn more about whether the Gottman Method is right for you and your partner, please reach out to us.